Are Traditions Really That Important?
So that my lovelies is my dear friend Stephanie, who also happens to be our officiant. She’s a pretty awesome pregnant lady right?
Today I had the honor and privilege of attending the Seemanthum Ceremony for her (and her wonderful husband Suneel’s) future baby girl. Wait ‘til you get a load of the pics below- b/c that baby is gonna be one pretty little thing! Anyhow, back to the subject at hand- a seem-a-whatta??
A Seemantham Ceremony. According to my invitation:
In Sanskrit, Seemantham means the hair parting just above the eyebrow. Sri Lakshmi, the embodiment of Prosperity resides there. When a woman delivers a child, she manifests Lakshmi. In this ceremony we seek blessings for the safe delivery of the child and the good health of the mother and child.
So it’s a baby blessing folks. A baby blessing with fire, chanting, and a special paste made by the priest and then shoved up Steph’s right nostril. Seriously- I have pictures! (But don’t worry Steph- after posting that first one, you’re off the hook for a while!)
At the same time we were participating in the Seemantham on the temple steps, there was some sort of children’s festival happening inside and so children in brightly colored indian clothing carrying kites and other toys were everywhere. The air was permeated with a cacophony of little voices, shrieks and laughter, which seemed to me the perfect accompaniment to a ritual seeking blessings for future munchkins. 
The whole experience got me thinking about the importance of culture & tradition in our lives and the comfort, joy, and community it can foster. Then again, “tradition” is often used to justify such abhorrent practices as slavery, to keep women in the kitchen, and to deny this little Stripe her right to legally wed. Ain’t all sunshine and unicorns people.
I haven’t really given much thought to tradition in the past and the wedding we’re planning is pretty untraditional by any count- two-girls, two-dresses, a historical museum, a taco truck, and a bar crawl. The fact that our wedding is adding up to be non-traditional isn’t really intentional though- it just happens that our taste doesn’t really fall into the parameters of “typical wedding tradition” AND we don’t have any really strong family traditions to follow. The our-lack-of-traditional-taste coupled with no-family-traditions-or-expectations may seem like a dream come true, especially for those of you with overbearing mothers (or mother in laws), but I’m not so sure anymore.
A part of me wishes that we had a few tried and true traditions- ones that we found personally meaningful, to incorporate into our day. Traditions to strengthen community among our family and friends and that we can pass along to our own children.
What about you? Are you overwhelmed by the amount of tradition you’re expected to incorporate into your day, or are you like us, desperately trying to find a few wedding traditions that resonate with you, while forging ahead and creating your own unique traditions?
For me, there are traditions that I like and am familiar with, but am told that I “can’t” do or have because they are Jewish traditions and we’re not Jewish. It’s somehow completely foreign that somebody might do a ritual because they like the symbolism and the meaning behind it, not because it’s what their parents and grandparents and 30-odd more generations have done before them. There is this idea that somehow you can’t have traditions that aren’t somehow part of your birthright – but I don’t want to be researching celtic or English marriage contracts when I WANT A KETUBAH.
I think tradition is good, and I think some traditions survive for good reason. The most important part is to focus on what traditions matter to you – what are their origins, and how does that help you realize the wedding and union that you want?
I’ve taken the approach that I’m not doing anything just cuz it’s traditional (except the white dress, but man, it’s pretty), instead I’m striving to understand the origin of the tradition so I can decide whether I want to pursue it. I’m not going to wear my veil in front of my face because the origin of that tradition was that long ago when daughters were sold into marriage as if they were slaves, they were veiled so the groom didn’t know how ugly a wife he was getting. But I’m wearing one on my head cuz it’s pretty and I look fierce in it.
By the way, I’m really sorry that every comment I write here turns into a four paragraph treatise. I feel like it’s totally obvious how badly I want to be your friend :-p.
LOL. I always love your responses! And we’re total wannabe jews too- I say go for a ketubah, or a ketubah-like substitute! Love ‘em. AND for us I think that the fact that WE find meaning in the tradition (however traditional it is) is the important thing- regardless of its cultural history. Never fear- I will write my own treatise on which traditions make the cut!
Tradition-tossing Jew chiming in here, about ketubahs and my lil’ ol opinion on tradition. I’m with Ellie on the questioning of each tradition and trying to get at it’s root meaning or purpose. We want a ceremony rooted in our culture but also in our values, so we’ll adapt or toss things that don’t sit right with us as individuals (the veil, for example.) I also have a weird time with the mish-mash adoption of rituals that people take from other cultures without a full understanding of their context or meaning. It feels slightly inauthentic and superficial to me.
HOWEVER… I happen to think ritual is incredibly important (it helps me mark special occasions and connects me to something bigger than my personal preferences) and I know we don’t necessarily have the right ways in our cultural backgrounds to mark these moments. So adapt. I’d feel strange if either of you took on a full Hebrew Ketubah and blessings, but the idea of writing a marriage contract that outlines your vows is an incredibly powerful act in any culture. Have an artist friend make it into something special. Call it a marriage contract (or something sexier, since that sounds pretty awful) and not a ketubah and you have a new ritual between the two of you.
I’ve seen that most cultures have rituals to honor similar rites of passage, although the details may vary a good deal. Our secular culture in the US hasn’t quite found a way to craft meaningful public traditions that resonate with me related to marriage. But, since you’ve already identified what matters to you, I’m sure you’ll find an appropriate way to honor those ideas, even if it takes work to find what works for you.
I’m rambling. Sigh. I’m just trying to strip away the fakey traditions (favors, unity candles) and the horrific traditions (garters) and get at what’s left over – saying thanks for everyone who comes, crying with J as we read our vows, walking down the aisle with both our sets of parents, and just being honest. I don’t know if that’s tradition, but it works for us.
@Becca. Yes! Yes! Yes! I think you’ve hit the nail on the head- we wanna avoid “fakey traditions” which sometimes are so pervasive peeps think they’re the REAL traditions. At the same time, as a couple without very many personal, familial, religious, or cultural traditions that are super important to us, we’re gonna have to find inspiration somewhere! I totally agree that cross-cultural adoption can seem inauthentic and just plain stupid. Or slightly tacky. Or worst of all empty and fake like a unity candle. So the trick is to do the work to discover meaningful, authentic traditions that resonate with us and place us in the context of a bigger picture. We’ve got some thinking to do!
I’ve been thinking about this a lot, too. We’re not religious, neither of us have family traditions that have been passed down. I don’t see a lot of purpose or meaning in most of conventional wedding stuff people here in the US do, and I don’t feel attached to it at all. And yet I feel funny taking traditions from cultures that are not my own, even though I tend to appreciate the value of them. We’re working on creating our own set of new family traditions based on us. For our wedding, this means we’re writing our own ceremony. I think we’re going to do a handfasting. I love the idea of having our marriage contract written up to display in our home, so we might do something like that (without calling it a ketubah).
I’m chiming in here (also as a tradition tossing Jew!) My very WASPy wife insisted on us incorperated several Jwish traditions into our wedding, and was very grateful that at least I was Jewish so no one would think we were being inauthentic. She loved the symbolism of the glass breaking a chuppah, and was really firm about including them. In addition, two of our close friends who held the chuppah for us told us how special it was to them, even though they had never heard of the tradition before.
I think it is possible to be truly invested in another culture’s wedding traditions without coming from that culture, but unfortunately it always seems to come off as a bit pretentious, which I think is unfortunate.