May 28, 2010
Posted on May 28, 2010 in fashion | 8 comments
So I’ve talked about how we’re both wearing dresses for our ceremony and I think I mentioned that C is changing into a suit for our reception, but did I mention that it’s the cutest suit ever??
No Seriously. The Cutest Suit Ever! For the cutest hottest fiancee!
See for yourself:
Wedding wardrobe decisions have sparked some interesting and unexpected conversations about gender identity, self perception, and beauty, both in our house and in my little wedding blogosphere.
I think it’s safe to say that we all want to find wedding attire that represents our very best authentic self. We want to look, and more importantly, feel beautiful on our wedding day. But I think that for a lot of queer women wedding attire can be a very complicated issue. Cue eye-rolls and a chorus of “duh ms. awesome.” You want to look and feel your absolute best, but your absolute best might not be a big ol’ cupcake wedding dress. Or even a simple modern wedding dress. It might be an awesome suit. Or a vest and tie. Or something else.
So in a wedding world where beauty most often equals a big white dress, some queer women must reconcile themselves with the fact that their more masculine gender expression and consequent choice of wedding attire may not be perceived as beautiful or bride like. And that’s bullshit. So to all you suit-lovin’ ladies (C too!) I just want to say thank you for helping us redefine and expand our notion of beauty. I LOVE the diverse gender/style expression of our community and would NEVER presume that a butch woman is any less a woman or trying to be a man- so I’m sorry (and a little horrified) if my two-dress lovefest came off that way to some of you. I DO think the most empowering thing you can do on your wedding day is to celebrate exactly who you are- whatever combo of dress/dress, dress/suit, suit/suit that happens to be!
And so despite my ardent love for our two-dress wedding, I think it’s icky that notions of beauty and gender identity are so totally tied up in wearing a dress. A woman in a suit is still a woman. And a woman in a suit is beautiful. And hot! (see above photos)
Oh! And i finally tried on a few big ol’ weddingy-wedding gowns and I felt absolutely stinkin’ ridiculous. And I do wear dresses sometimes. So I’m sticking with my short dress. And C is changing into her awesome suit. And that’s that.
Where do you fall on the wedding day gender expression spectrum? Did you have trouble finding wedding attire that “felt like you?” Or are you changing into something that feels more authentic for your reception?
May 24, 2010
Posted on May 24, 2010 in marriage equality | 14 comments
On Saturday we decided to get domestically partnered to celebrate Harvey Milk Day. And, um, because we love each other and stuff. Luckily domestic partnership ain’t marriage so we were able to do this spontaneously on a Saturday in California.
I think the fact that we didn’t need to obtain a license, have witnesses, or have any type of ceremony strongly attests to the fact that even the state doesn’t really consider this domestic partnership business to be equal to marriage. I’m just saying…
So what exactly did we do to become domestically partnered in CA?
First we filled out this form:
Then we put on our spiffy domestic partnering duds:
Next we had our form notarized in this strip mall:
And finally we dropped it in the mail:
Last but not least, we had a celebratory drink somewhere really gay:
But what exactly are we celebrating?
*Our commitment to each other. Duh. Oh! And obtaining the only type of legal recognition and protection that our state currently offers us.
*The right to adopt a shared name. We hyphenated. We’re excited. This deserves its own post.
*The right to each others health care coverage. And my health care rocks!
*The right to both be considered parents to children born into our partnership.
And a bunch of other rights listed here. I’m just sharing the ones I’m currently most excited about!
And what exactly are we missing out on?
Um. Important social recognition. And all legal and economic protections once we leave California. Yup. Out the window. Only marriage offers federal benefits and protections. Around 1100 of them.
*So that health care coverage? While it counts as a non-taxable benefit for a married couple, it counts as taxable income for domestic partners. Yes you read correctly. I will be taxed on the total employer cost of insurance for my domestic partner.
*And those children we have? Um. I will have to adopt them to ensure that I am recognized as a parent outside of California and in the hopes that if something happens to me my children will receive my social security benefits.
*Which brings us to the fact that my Domestic Partner will not receive my social security benefits should anything happen to me. Ever.
*And if you’ve been following along, well then you may have guessed that we won’t be able to jointly file our federal taxes. But we will be required to jointly file our state taxes. Not confusing at all.
So yeah we got domestically partnered because some recognition and protection is better than none at all. And it is definitely exciting to have a little formal/legal recognition as a couple- I hear we even get a certificate! Woo hoo! And we’re pretty excited about sharing a common name too. But we’re no fools and it’s pretty obvious that Domestic Partnerships are not equal to Marriage. Certainly not in any tangible economic terms and not in many intangible social terms either.
In answer to the question, “Why aren’t domestic partnerships or civil unions good enough?,” Freedom to Marry has this to say:
Couples who take on the responsibilities and commitments of marriage deserve the cultural respect, social support, and legal protections of marriage.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Last I checked, we aren’t starting a law firm or shooting a western, we’re doing the work, so let’s call it what it is: MARRIAGE.
Okay then. Hopefully that didn’t come off as a big fat Debbie Downer “I want rights too” post, but damn it Idowantrights! Equal rights. Nothing more and nothing less. And domestic partnership is definitely less.
But none the less exciting.
xoxo
Partner 1
a.k.a. Miss Stripes
Are you a domestic partner? Is it good enough? What if domestic partnership and marriage were truly identical in legal/economic terms? Which one would you choose and why?
May 21, 2010
Posted on May 21, 2010 in bling | 2 comments
Sans Rocks.
Yup. Another uber creative title from yours truly. Oh! And I apologize for my light posting lately- the last few weeks have been super stressful and I’ve been suffering a pretty severe case (admittedly self-diagnosed) of waitingforitalltocometogether.
So I’m happy to report back that it’s all really happening people!
In a big way. And to start the party right how about I show you my absolutely stinking gorgeous wedding ring? You know- the one you all offered so much advice about here and here? Yeah the ring. It arrived yesterday and it’s ridiculously amazing!
So without further ado my wedding band:
Yes, in the end I went with my original inspiration/vision. I decided that I liked the simplicity of a band sans diamonds (gasp!) and I am thrilled with the way it compliments my sparkly engagement ring! As for the paramount white/yellow OR yellow/white decision, I went with predominantly yellow gold because it’s my favorite and it just looked more unique to me.
I truly didn’t expect to LOVE my ring the way I do though. It’s an amazing little piece of art that I get to wear every day for the rest of my life (well starting in just under four months)! Squeal! And I could not be more impressed with the craftsmanship, the heft, the intricate detail. It is truly perfect and it’s so much more beautiful than I expected. A bajillion thanks and big hugs to Adzia for creating this little masterpiece! LOVE.
Is your wedding band a custom job? Are you as excited with the end product as you were with the inspiration? AND are any of you suffering from the dreaded waitingforitalltocometogether??
May 13, 2010
Posted on May 13, 2010 in thoughts on marriage | 6 comments
In response to my post yesterday, the very thoughtful & thought provoking Mrs. Basement pointed out that there is an icky & disturbing pattern in the gay-blogging world where the constant reiteration and celebration of two-dress brides casts dress/suit, suit/suit and well every other bride combo in a negative light.
So are we unintentionally promoting an anti butch/femme vibe by both wearing dresses? Or by being excited/emphatic about it?
I wish I could claim originality on this one, but I’m just writing from our particular position and point of view. I too agree that the wide spectrum of gender identity/expression and style throughout the gay community is one to be celebrated. But the fact remains that we ARE wearing two dresses.
And you can bet that if wearing two dresses didn’t feel authentic/genuine to us this certainly would be a different post. A post about how RAD our fillingenderstyleawesomeappropriateensemblehere.
I think for me what feels icky about asserting a super feminine gender identity and wearing a dress or rather the conflation of the two (because for the record neither of us is exactly high-femme) is the idea that as a lesbian bride you HAVE to wear a dress to make sure people know we’re still a woman. That’s the underlying icky part.
It’s like dresses are pretty and feminine and good. And suits are masculine and weird and wait, “Do you wanna be a man?” Ick.
Both the insistence that there is a distinct butch/femme dichotomy in EVERY lesbian relationship AND the dismissal/negative stereotyping of butch women by the straight (and let’s be honest gay) community sucks.
I think that the tendency of two (more feminine perhaps) women to insist on wearing dresses and emphatically blog about it might stem from the fact that literally the first question most people ask me RE: The Wedding is “Which one of you is wearing a suit?” Over and over and over. It’s like the whole (straight) world only has Ellen’s recent wedding as a reference, and damn it, Ellen wore a suit!
And yet the fact remains that we are both still wearing dresses.
So I wonder how to make sure to celebrate the awesome gender identity/expression of our community and not fall pray to the negative stereotyping that I hate so much, when our choices kind of reinforce certain stereotypes. And bust up others.
It just depends where you’re standing right? And it’s complicated.
Oh! And for the record C is wearing a suit post ceremony. And she’s gonna look hot!!
