So by now you may have heard that on August 4th Federal Court Judge Vaughn Walker found the passage of Prop 8 here in California unconstitutional.
And on thursday he denied a stay of his order while the case goes to the Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit. So all legal jargon aside, gay marriages will resume again in California on August 18th at 5pm, so long as the Ninth Circuit doesn’t issue its own “emergency” stay.
Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe you’ve been expecting a celebratory post from me, and if not, well I definitely felt like I should be writing one.
But here’s the thing: I just don’t have the words yet. This is too big and too close to my heart and too close to our wedding and just too tenuous to celebrate quite yet.
Sure it’s a big step. Sure I believe that equality will prevail through the Ninth Circuit and the Supreme Court and even the public opinion, eventually.
But for us right now, and I’m sure for thousands of other gay couples in California, this is just too personal. We are living and breathing and working and loving in a state of waiting, of limbo, of uncertainty commingling with a shiver of hope.
And isn’t marriage about a little permanence? A little stability? Hoping against hope for the future? Hoping with someone else.
So here’s to hoping in California. We’re keeping our fingers, toes, eyes, arms & legs crossed. And if given the opportunity, we’ll be buzzing down to city hall to do it up legal style very soon.
And in the meantime, I can resume talking about dresses, flowers, invitations and all the other beautiful and very welcome distractions that I’d give up in a heartbeat to go down to the courthouse and marry C right now.
Lucky for you guys- we’ve got four more days to go! So let the distractions begin:
Oh sorry- those are just some cute succulents in love. Stick around though- I promise I have a few good posts in me this week. And maybe some invite madness- b/c did I mention those beauties are in the mail?!
*And we’d appreciate it ever so much if you’d send your good thoughts/energy/prayers for equal rights our direction in California this week!
One year ago today we got engaged on our rooftop in downtown Los Angeles, and spent the day celebrating with champagne, sunshine, and friends.
Today I’m sitting at the DMV waiting to change my name, and thinking about our wedding day, which once seemed FOREVERandadayaway, but is really happening in just a few short months now. Yowza! Yippee! Yikes! Mostly yippee though!
It’s been a crazy year of living, thinking, and planning. A year of thoughtful transition and (sometimes) difficult conversation as we plan this wedding, and more importantly, as we plan our life together. A good, joyful, hard year.
We’ve lived and planned a wedding on one income, raised a special needs puppy, moved to a house with a (potential) veggie garden, started new jobs, quit said jobs when they failed to EVER pay for four months of work, nearly foiling our wedding plans (LA residents beware: Mendocino Farms doesn’t pay their employees) and somehow managed not to kill each other. Although we’ve come close a few times.
And that’s okay too.
Because I’ve learned that arguments aren’t about winning. Sometimes they are about our egos, our insecurities, or just our bad day. You can let them go, or even be the one to apologize without being the loser.
And I’ve learned to say yes. Yes to this relationship. Yes to things that are important to C, even when they aren’t initially important to me. Yes to making those things important to me too. And I want to move into our married life together saying yes to each other and making the things that matter to each of us a priority for us both. yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes!
And I’ve realized that most of my favorite moments with C aren’t big or complicated. I truly hope that our wedding, our marriage, and our life together reflect that perfect simplicity.
Here’s a look at our last year as single(ish) ladies:
On Saturday we decided to get domestically partnered to celebrate Harvey Milk Day. And, um, because we love each other and stuff. Luckily domestic partnership ain’t marriage so we were able to do this spontaneously on a Saturday in California.
I think the fact that we didn’t need to obtain a license, have witnesses, or have any type of ceremony strongly attests to the fact that even the state doesn’t really consider this domestic partnership business to be equal to marriage. I’m just saying…
So what exactly did we do to become domestically partnered in CA?
First we filled out this form:
Then we put on our spiffy domestic partnering duds:
Next we had our form notarized in this strip mall:
And finally we dropped it in the mail:
Last but not least, we had a celebratory drink somewhere really gay:
But what exactly are we celebrating?
*Our commitment to each other. Duh. Oh! And obtaining the only type of legal recognition and protection that our state currently offers us.
*The right to adopt a shared name. We hyphenated. We’re excited. This deserves its own post.
*The right to each others health care coverage. And my health care rocks!
*The right to both be considered parents to children born into our partnership.
And a bunch of other rights listed here. I’m just sharing the ones I’m currently most excited about!
And what exactly are we missing out on?
Um. Important social recognition. And all legal and economic protections once we leave California. Yup. Out the window. Only marriage offers federal benefits and protections. Around 1100 of them.
*So that health care coverage? While it counts as a non-taxable benefit for a married couple, it counts as taxable income for domestic partners. Yes you read correctly. I will be taxed on the total employer cost of insurance for my domestic partner.
*And those children we have? Um. I will have to adopt them to ensure that I am recognized as a parent outside of California and in the hopes that if something happens to me my children will receive my social security benefits.
*Which brings us to the fact that my Domestic Partner will not receive my social security benefits should anything happen to me. Ever.
*And if you’ve been following along, well then you may have guessed that we won’t be able to jointly file our federal taxes. But we will be required to jointly file our state taxes. Not confusing at all.
So yeah we got domestically partnered because some recognition and protection is better than none at all. And it is definitely exciting to have a little formal/legal recognition as a couple- I hear we even get a certificate! Woo hoo! And we’re pretty excited about sharing a common name too. But we’re no fools and it’s pretty obvious that Domestic Partnerships are not equal to Marriage. Certainly not in any tangible economic terms and not in many intangible social terms either.
In answer to the question, “Why aren’t domestic partnerships or civil unions good enough?,” Freedom to Marry has this to say:
Couples who take on the responsibilities and commitments of marriage deserve the cultural respect, social support, and legal protections of marriage.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Last I checked, we aren’t starting a law firm or shooting a western, we’re doing the work, so let’s call it what it is: MARRIAGE.
Okay then. Hopefully that didn’t come off as a big fat Debbie Downer “I want rights too” post, but damn it Idowantrights! Equal rights. Nothing more and nothing less. And domestic partnership is definitely less.
But none the less exciting.
xoxo
Partner 1
a.k.a. Miss Stripes
Are you a domestic partner? Is it good enough? What if domestic partnership and marriage were truly identical in legal/economic terms? Which one would you choose and why?
